breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is a sensitive subject for me. I think it's an incredible thing for a woman to be able to do but I find it to be a heartbreaking thing to have gone thru and not been able to successfully do for more than 6 weeks. The moments that my newborn and I shared while he was trying his little heart out to latch, and successfully did every now and then, are so dear to my heart because he and I both cried our eyes out when we were struggling. He was hungry and I was desperate to feed him and I felt like there had to be SOMETHING that I could be doing better!!!! I went to breastfeeding groups with La Leche League and those women were so successful at it! Feeding TWINS at the SAME TIME for Christ's sake! Although they were very supportive and the group leader even came to my house to help me get him to latch correctly, all of that made me feel even worse. It was 2 weeks in to being a mother that I realized I was suffering from PPD. I thought "there's no way I'll get post partum depression because my baby is already my world and I haven't even met him outside of my body yet!"... Boy was I wrong!! NOTHING about Kamden made me feel depressed nor did I ever have ill thoughts or feelings toward him or about hurting myself. I was just depressed beyond words that I couldn't be the sole source of food for my baby. I have yet to meet any mom that knows this struggle which makes dealing with it much harder, especially when my best friends who all had babies within 3 months of me (before and after) were all able and still are a year (or almost) later. I am very envious. The moms that put down other moms by saying "breast is best" need to rethink saying that because not all moms CHOOSE to use formula or in my case, organic goat's milk. It's a very demeaning statement. Sometimes it's beyond our control. EVERY parent parents differently. There's no one way to do it so if you're reading this and you're one of those moms or your wife is one of those moms, stop it. In honor of NATIONAL BREASTFEEDING WEEK, I decided to post my most cherished photo of my son nursing (:

I've never posted a photo of him nursing or anything regarding our story about our breastfeeding journey but hey, what better time than the present?! Now back to it----
Another reason why my anxiety was so over the moon (which lead to PPD) was because when I was in the hospital after having Kam, the nurse told me that the reason he was so gassy was my fault. That the asparagus I had eaten was the only reason he could be so upset. Being vulnerable and scared that I hurt my child unintentionally, I did what she suggested and I supplemented with the Similac formula. Big mistake when you're trying to get a newborn who has never eaten with their mouth before to latch onto a foreign object. That being said, the lactation consultant also told me that my nipples weren't long enough for him to latch onto well, plus he had a short tongue but wasn't "tongue tied". Yet another thing that I felt like was MY fault. So I continued to try with the support of my boyfriend and friends and family, and pumped my life away because if he couldn't latch I was determined to still get him MY milk along with the Similac we were supplementing with. 

 This was my life and quite the hilarious picture to me that I sent to my mom friends lol

My baby was still very gassy though and after 6 weeks I dried up because I wasn't eating more than crackers or cereal in a day because I was terrified that what I ate would hurt his tummy. I lost all 40 pounds of pregnancy weight gain in 2 weeks. Drying up was a heart break and a relief to me at the same time because I was EXHAUSTED, drained and felt guilty for feeling relieved that the struggle was over with. I still do to this day. 
Well, we realized that his fussiness wasn't from my milk (what I was eating was not giving him gas) after we were referred to Banner Children's Hospital for a barium swallow test to be done on Kamden. They fed him some barium liquid through a bottle - different consistencies - to see if he was having any reflux. The lady asked us if he had any issue latching on to me and we of course said yes and in that moment I was relieved to know that IT WASN'T MY FAULT. He just doesn't latch well. Still to this day at 10 months old, if I give him a "natural" shaped bottle nipple he gets frustrated and puts it down. My bubba just has a short tongue like mama ;) my mom said I didn't breast feed well either. At the end of his appointment we were relieved to know the reason for his fussiness but heartbroken that he had been suffering from sever acid reflux. He was put on an antacid and it fixed itself over time quite quickly. Thank God! I still don't know if acid reflux is hereditary but I had it SEVERELY my ENTIRE 9 months of pregnancy. Yes he was born with a full head of hair too but that old wives tale (if you have heartburn the baby will have hair) is NOT true and I've had friends disprove this (: He became a happy, content boy very quickly <3

Long story short, we tried Similac sensitive for awhile but it was just so heavy on his tummy so I looked into the ingredients and I was sickened. Corn syrup and fructose being the first main ingredients in baby formula?! HELL NO. I wanted a more natural option and knew my girlfriend was very holistic with her son who is Kamden's age so I asked her. She let me to goat's milk and that was heaven sent! The genetic make up of goat's milk is the exact same as breast milk just 1 calorie more and .5 more protein. I felt GOOD giving my baby this and his pediatrician approved 100%!! Goat's milk doesn't have all the vitamins the baby needs (neither does breast milk which is why prenatals exist) so we give him Poly-Vi-Sol drops and folic acid tablet crushed up once a day. He is a thriving 10 month old that's in the 95th percentile for his growth and development and all of the struggle is behind us. Here is my silly pride and joy now---->

 xoxoxo