what is love?

call me crazy but I don't think I believe in fairytales anymore. maybe I never have. in fact I know I never have. the beginning of any relationship is always fun, sometimes GREAT but then the true colors show and people get comfortable and in my experience, things fall to shit. sometimes this happens sooner, sometimes it happens way later... either way, nothing has worked out to be an "easy" or "forever" relationship. that might sound funny to some of you considering I have a 10 month old son but he was made out of love very early into my relationship with his father. he's my little "love child" and the best thing in the entire universe and if I had to go thru all the shit we have again just to have Kamden, without a doubt I certainly would. I know that people say "every relationship takes hard work" but some people, sometimes the very same people who said that, also say that a relationship shouldn't be something that is forced or takes more out of you than you get from it... that it should be an "easy feeling". again, I've never had that unless it was in the honeymoon stage. there's no one person at fault in any of my failed relationships because trust me, I'm not an easy one to deal with. I'm full of sass and never without something to say. I have grown SO much and learned when to shut my mouth, learned to pick my battles, learned to give in, learned to compromise... but I've never learned to let my guard down. how the hell can that be learned or even taught for that matter?! it's that whole "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" thing that I have and I'm somewhere around 5 fool me's and I'm over that game. I'm not sure how couples can accept their partner for ALL that they are. every-single-flaw. I see so many people on social media posting about how perfect their boyfriend is but is it real or for show? I've been the one to do it for show so I have to question it. I did it for 2 & a half years for show and couldn't tell that I wasn't fooling anyone but myself till after it ended. is it possible to have many trials and tribulations in a relationship over the course of two years and overcome them to love completely again with that same person? or even a new person for that matter? do you ever REALLY get over things that have happened to you (with counseling or not)? some people can just brush a lie, cheat, or an un-mutual break up off like the relationship never even mattered. then there's people like me that can't. it keeps me from getting hurt but also keeps me from feeling completely loved in the relationship because of the wall I have up. i've let it down and tried to move past, truly; but then new things arose that I had never dealt with before and had no clue how to deal with so new trust issues were born. trust is a luxury, you have to earn it. trust is a funny thing... you can trust someone 100% in certain areas and then less or not at all in other areas. i have many friends who are total princess who are looking for their prince charming relationship after relationship, they think every guy is "the one". to each their own i suppose. i don't know how that would work to a benefit when you invest yourself completely thinking you're going to marry "him" and then it all ends and you're left alone. i don't see how that can feel good or how you wouldn't learn to NOT think that way for the next guy or girl. in reality, nothing is forever. yes, i want to be married but will i ever get married? i truly don't know and i used to be okay with that. now that I've pictured my wedding and let him describe just how he pictures our wedding day to be, down to my dress and seeing my father walk me down the aisle, it makes me sad to think that may never happen. instead of just feeling that, it makes me frustrated at myself for letting him in because it hurts less with they're kept away. i keep people at arms distance because if they're not too close it won't hurt if they leave (so I tell myself) but that's not always the case. i suppose my "mommy issues" are getting the best of me still and for that I am angry and still trying to figure out how to overcome it. i mean, do you know how to heal a heart that is missing it's mothers presence? if you do, I'm all ears. I am jaded but for good reason and not proud of it or set in that way. i WANT to be in love... happily, healthy, fun, adventurous, easy, comforting, endless, trusting LOVE. regardless, i will always see the love in every situation and take the good from it. the love i have for my baby is the truest love I've ever known and one day, i will love my husband equally. till then, cheers to being in love with my little love!

xoxoxo