where do i begin?

i tend to think i can handle it all on my own. lately, my roommate noticed that i have been "off" in a stressed out way and she asked me if i was okay. i didn't think that anyone could tell because i thought i was keeping my stresses to myself pretty well but you eventually bubble over when its just too much to bare on your own. "money is the root of all evil", "mo money, mo problems"... i don't know if i believe that at all. i know that when i have money i am not stressing about whether my power will be on or if i will eat today. i have been struggling for years now and every once in awhile i will "get ahead" which really is just paying a bill before a disconnect date and that is an very big relief. now that i have a baby to feed my stress cannot be hidden. i have never let him go without even a snack because i'll be damned if he ever feels starving. he's always hungry and i love that he has such a big appetite for a growing boy :) my guilt of not having a house full of food overcame me at Kamden's last doctors appt and I told the doctor that i feel like i don't feel him enough because he is always wanting to eat. he said there is no way that my big healthy boy is going without at all and that I'm doing an awesome job. that meant the world to me to hear. now don't get me wrong, I have 3 people that will help me out if they can spare the cash but i feel like shit asking for help from people who are struggling themselves so i would rather go without than make them pinch pennies to eat or keep their power on. my sons father put things into perspective for me when he told me that he would rather let his bills go past due if that means keeping food in his kids mouths. i want to have that ease in believing that but the anxiety of getting further into debt is overwhelming and the only bills i have are ones that HAVE to be paid; rent, power, water, car, car insurance, phone. i am away from my baby to work for too many hours a week to be struggling this much. i took my part time job when Kam was 6 months old because my full time/constant overtime night job was killing me and emotionally hard to not be able to be with my baby. thats the role the mom should have, staying home with their brand new baby. i didn't have that luxury but his dad did and i decided that a year of this was long enough so at 6 months i quit my lab job and came to work at the tattoo shop part time doing days or early evenings. I've absolutely LOVED being able to be with Kamden so much more and being able to do our favorite thing every night together: bath time <3 now that he is almost a year old I have a little less guilt about having to seek full time employment again because i just cannot continue struggling like this. he deserves better from me. i want to be able to save for him and take him places and not have to do the math in my head if we can actually afford it. its hard to not be envious of stay at home moms that have a husband who provide for them and take them on family vacations, shopping sprees, etc. and trust me... i know from many of my stay at home mommy friends that its a hard job just like a working moms hard job is but on a financial level, thats not their concern because they're not the "bread winner", they get to spend it (even if its just on groceries or things the kids need!!) i always tell myself "this too shall pass" because my daddy always told me that a few years back when i was hopeless and struggling then. i have hope now but i realize I'm still in the same place i was back then financially and that makes me wonder if this dark cloud will ever pass over and let some sunshine in!? i am a "prayer" and up until i became a mom, i had never "heard God". it has happened now 3 times and those 3 times were very loud and clear and it was exactly what i needed to show me that there is hope and that I'm not alone even tho i feel like it. i have to take what i can control into my own hands and get the ball rolling to get a full time job again because waiting on corporations to provide the info i need to renew my CNA license is killing me. i can tell you 5 reasons why thats hard but I'm trying to convince myself that it'll work out so ill skip that ;) please realize that this is my place of VENTING, not a pity party in any way.
if you are the praying type as well please pray that i can hear the answers that i need and see the path I'm supposed to take. and if you're not the praying type, just send a shit ton of good vibes my way PLEASE!!
xoxoxo