guilt causes a heavy heart
I can't believe its been over two months since I've blogged. I've thought about it more often than not but finding the time, a computer that doesn't crash and the energy has been a challenge... the subject of guilt has been very prevalent in my life lately because I have a 13 month old toddler that is testing his limits with me and its making my heart hurt. no parent likes disciplining their kids but being pushed to your limits means you have to discipline to teach your child structure, rules, boundaries... at first i felt like a bad mom. verbally scolding, then A spank on the butt, then time out in the corner; these things kill me because Im not used to my sweet, happiest boy being so frustrated at being told "No" or having something taken from him that he shouldn't have. my girlfriends tell me that ALL KIDS go through this phase at one time or another and that its "totally normal" and that I'm "doing everything right". i can't say enough how much i appreciate their words and that they make me feel better for a while until this all happens again with Kamden. the worst part of it all is that when he is with his dad at his house he is nothing like how he is at my house. WHY?! WHAT AM I DOING SO WRONG?! thats all i kept asking myself. the best thing i heard for an explanation is "I think that they are most comfortable with us (moms) and can allow themselves to be themselves and decompress", this makes sense to me because he is on his best behavior with daddy and is his wild little carefree self with me. i don't think this means at all that he is uncomfortable with his dad, just that he feels that he has to behave more because daddy doesn't play around with rules and is the stern one where mama is the soft one and coddles him. so then the question arises "why don't you be more stern with him then and make him behave?" and to that i say that everyone parents differently and to do as YOU see fit and do what works for you. you can't MAKE a child behave (even if you THINK beating a kids ass will MAKE them listen or behave i have to tell you that you're sadly mistaken). there's no one way to parent and as long as you're not physically, mentally or emotionally harming your kid(s) then in my opinion you're doing a good job. but hey, thats just my opinion.
It's been a week since i started this post and I am glad to say that things with Kamden are getting less hectic. he's not being any less difficult for me (protesting diaper changes, clothing changes, getting OUT of the bath tub, etc.) and the struggle is still there but my knowledge and frame of mind have changed and that makes all the difference in the world. I'm hoping he's just exercising his voice and his right to have an opinion and feelings and i decided I'm okay with that even if that means i feel uncomfortable or sad about it for a while. i don't want to teach him that he cannot FEEL. i want him to be able to feel every emotion, not just happiness. thats so very important to acknowledge and own every feeling, even the less pleasant ones. he's allowed to cry and have fits and be upset but i will teach him how to calm himself and redirect him away from what it is thats triggering him. i read a good article about letting kids feel their feelings instead of teaching them that they always have to be what people think is "good" or "proper", etc. and in the article it says to H.A.L.T., which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.--thinking of this acronym can help you identify what your child is feeling by asking yourself is he/she is any of these three things. its a good reminder to help check yourself in the middle of a baby/toddler meltdown! i'm happier now that i took the time to do my research on why my baby is acting the way he was, is and will in the future. its taken some of the guilt off of my heavy heart but don't worry, theres plenty of other things i have guilt over too. for example; taking "me time". it's impossible thus far for me to go have a girls night (even though i'm coming home to my sleeping baby) and not feel bad for spending a few hours away from him when i'm not being a slave to the dollar and working full time. in my head i would rather be with him even if he's asleep instead of being out. i already have to spend so much time away from him against my will (work) so why wouldn't i soak up every second with him when I'm not working & i have "free time"!? i know this isn't the right way to think and i promise I'm working on my guilt to train my mind that i HAVE to take time for myself because its not healthy for me to make my entire existence about my child. i suppose i smother him but we both love it; however, he is growing up and i don't want him to be dependent on me like i feel i am on him. he needs to be able to grow and go have play dates and sleep overs when he's older (18 sounds like a good age ;)) without me calling his friends parents every hour to make sure he's okay lol i say that jokingly but when he's with anyone other than me or his dad i seriously check on him hourly because I'm so fearful something bad will happen without me there. not realistic, i know this, but hey! I'm working on it! knowing that other moms, and some dads too, go through this self harming guilt tripping that we do is a relief to me because i feel alone a lot of the time about it. in time things always get easier and I'm excited to continue to watch my baby grown and experience life through his own ways. till then, ill just keep soaking up all the love and light we can together :)
xoxoxo
It's been a week since i started this post and I am glad to say that things with Kamden are getting less hectic. he's not being any less difficult for me (protesting diaper changes, clothing changes, getting OUT of the bath tub, etc.) and the struggle is still there but my knowledge and frame of mind have changed and that makes all the difference in the world. I'm hoping he's just exercising his voice and his right to have an opinion and feelings and i decided I'm okay with that even if that means i feel uncomfortable or sad about it for a while. i don't want to teach him that he cannot FEEL. i want him to be able to feel every emotion, not just happiness. thats so very important to acknowledge and own every feeling, even the less pleasant ones. he's allowed to cry and have fits and be upset but i will teach him how to calm himself and redirect him away from what it is thats triggering him. i read a good article about letting kids feel their feelings instead of teaching them that they always have to be what people think is "good" or "proper", etc. and in the article it says to H.A.L.T., which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.--thinking of this acronym can help you identify what your child is feeling by asking yourself is he/she is any of these three things. its a good reminder to help check yourself in the middle of a baby/toddler meltdown! i'm happier now that i took the time to do my research on why my baby is acting the way he was, is and will in the future. its taken some of the guilt off of my heavy heart but don't worry, theres plenty of other things i have guilt over too. for example; taking "me time". it's impossible thus far for me to go have a girls night (even though i'm coming home to my sleeping baby) and not feel bad for spending a few hours away from him when i'm not being a slave to the dollar and working full time. in my head i would rather be with him even if he's asleep instead of being out. i already have to spend so much time away from him against my will (work) so why wouldn't i soak up every second with him when I'm not working & i have "free time"!? i know this isn't the right way to think and i promise I'm working on my guilt to train my mind that i HAVE to take time for myself because its not healthy for me to make my entire existence about my child. i suppose i smother him but we both love it; however, he is growing up and i don't want him to be dependent on me like i feel i am on him. he needs to be able to grow and go have play dates and sleep overs when he's older (18 sounds like a good age ;)) without me calling his friends parents every hour to make sure he's okay lol i say that jokingly but when he's with anyone other than me or his dad i seriously check on him hourly because I'm so fearful something bad will happen without me there. not realistic, i know this, but hey! I'm working on it! knowing that other moms, and some dads too, go through this self harming guilt tripping that we do is a relief to me because i feel alone a lot of the time about it. in time things always get easier and I'm excited to continue to watch my baby grown and experience life through his own ways. till then, ill just keep soaking up all the love and light we can together :)
xoxoxo
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