we accept the love we think we deserve

we accept the love we think we deserve.

I've never had these words resonate within me before the way they are now. I just turned 28 and to be honest, nothing feels any different, as I suppose it shouldn't... after all it is just another day in the life. All the feelings that I feel are welling up inside me and I can't type fast enough to get them all out. I have come to realize that I know myself better than anyone and I am the one who will always criticize myself the hardest but praise myself internally for how far I've come, even if it seems like no one else around me notices. My approval is enough, finally. I may still have to do a little convincing when I actually say those words aloud but I believe it 99% of the time. Doubt is a mother fucker. Tonight I watched "The Perks of being a Wallflower" & it really is as great as everyone says. There were a couple lines in the movie that caught my attention and the title of this post was one of them. WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE. wow... if I heard this quote years ago i would have been defensive in my thinking because I didn't "deserve" the life shattering breakup I got. No one "deserves" to be cheated on. No one "deserves" to be abused in any way. No one "deserves" to not have a parent around. No one "deserves" to have family betray them. Everyone DESERVES to be accepted and loved for WHO and WHAT they are; mistakes, ugly pasts, hurts, and all. Am I adult enough to accept a partner that way? I don't know if I am because the times before when I did,  they turned out horribly. The one time that I decided to not accept the way my relationship was going and making me feel was the time when I chose to be a single mother and become the happiest and most free I've ever felt. For that I'm not sorry and I know that will hurt some feelings. But try to understand. I don't deserve to be in a relationship where I don't FEEL the way I want to feel. Just because someone loves you with all that they have doesn't mean it's enough for you. I know now what I deserve even though before, I thought I deserved the asshole boyfriends. I became an asshole myself. It's the best defense mechanism there is. Keep everyone at arms distance and they can't hurt you completely. That's how my maternal side of the family taught me how to love by showing me just that. Unfortunately, my dads endless love for me wasn't enough to push out the tainted love from my mom and what I went through wanting and waiting for her. I wish I was a better person to have not been jaded by my childhood like many people but I'm not and that's just who I am. We all have a story. Some are rainbows and unicorns and some are storms but damnit I've learned to dance in the rain and when it rains, my soul is at home. my soul is peaceful. Who knows when or if I'll ever date again because to be completely transparent, I'm scared shitless to ever date again. that's so much time and emotion and truth put into someone new and there's zero guarantee that it'll work. I do not gamble and I've never had a lucky streak. I want so badly for my future to look nothing like my past that when I see one sign of a similarity, I want to run. I'm a mystery wrapped in a conundrum. I'm a strong willed, opinionated, tough, and I don't want to apologize for that anymore. Someone can handle that without complaint I'm sure but I've yet to meet my match. I don't want to date a guy with "baggage" & no, baggage does not include kids. No baby mama drama--ZERO, no girlfriend, no marriage, no felonies (yes I had to go there), just a normal fucking guy! DOES THAT EXIST? & I don't want the pressure of being "the more tattooed one" (yes that happened from a man child I once dated).

Anyway, my point to all this is that I want to make sure that no matter what ugly is going on around my son as he grows up and becomes aware of all the hate in this world, that he isn't jaded and he has the knowledge and strength to only accept the love that he deserves and his thoughts of what that is will come from what he is taught. He will be taught love, so much love. I want to be the kind of mother that i didn't have & I've beat myself up already trying to overcompensate in only 19 months.

"EVEN IF WE DONT HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE WHERE WE COME FROM, WE CAN STILL CHOOSE WHERE WE GO FROM THERE."

Still at 28 I do not have a healthy relationship with my mom and it breaks my heart. That hurt is slowly turning back into resentment but I am fighting against that with all my might. I don't have time to be angry or resentful when I'm in love and happy everyday with the most perfect little human there ever was. I'll keep praying that the stars will align and she'll be ready to be the mom instead of me and that she'll make the initiative to mend our broken relationship. that she'll WANT to help me move on from the shaping she did that made me learn this love that I've believed my whole life that I deserved. I know better and I choose to live in H A P P I N E S S✨💫💛