life keeps happening

whether you're happy, sad, mad, anxious, confused: LIFE KEEPS HAPPENING. when shit gets rough it would be awesome to have a pause button so work and adulting could just hold on a minute while we pull it together. in the real world though that doesnt happen, especially when youre a single-working mom. those that are close to me know that I, like many, suffer from anxiety. in my younger years & post-partum it was depression that had a stronghold on me but as I've gotten into my mid and later 20's, it's definitely the anxiety that I battle with now. for me, it's not the normal day to day things that trigger me. it's change from my routines that FEELS permanant even if it's temporary. if I initiate the change i'm okay with it but if things are changing that i don't want to change, that's when i feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. reasoning with yourself when you're lost in your head is damn near impossible. I see patients every day that suffer from severe anxiety, depression, mood disorders and suicidal thoughts. it's things like this that make me thankful for my issues because things could ALWAYS be worse. my friends and family that have been there for me to remind me that i had to eat and take care of myself even when i felt like I was falling apart are what got me through this. small milestones like being able to eat before dinner time, being able to eat more than once a day, wanting to be at home, then being ok with being home alone, etc. were small victories that I had to acknowledge for myself to convince and prove to myself that I COULD DO IT & I was going to be okay. it's like anxiety blocks out the part of me that believes in myself and makes me think I've lost everything I've worked SO hard to become. THAT IS NOT TRUE!! i can't tell you how many times I recited mantras and prayers out loud to talk myself through the panic. if you can relate to this in any way, my heart goes out to you and i pray you don't have to deal with it alone. you need to have at least ONE person that you can break down and feel vulnerable with to get through it because avoiding it or trying to ignore it will only do you so much more harm. write these down or save them in your phone because i swear by them for regaining my clarity and peace of mind:

"I am good enough. I am deserving of all good things that have and will happen in my life. I am not alone and I am immensely loved by many."

"I refuse to live my life in fear and anxiety and I am choosing to let these harmful thoughts and feelings go. If it does me no good, I dont need it."

"Be here now, no other place to be. All the doubts that linger, just set them free. Let good things happen and let the future come into each moment like a rising sun."

& the one that i recited countless times every day and still have written on my bedroom mirror:
"Please God, guard my heart and mind from anything and anyone that seek to bring me harm or anxiety and remove them from my life."

I hope these can help someone, even just a little, so you know you can and will beat these awful feelings that sneak up on us. it took me two very long weeks to even be able to wake up without overwhelming anxiety that had me in tears and throwing up but time is the only option and I couldn't rush MY healing process. i had to learn to be patient with myself. every single person deals with life and anxiety differently. almost a month after this incident started, I am finally feeling like myself again and I remind myself everytime i have an unhealthy (not helpful to my peace of mind) thought that it's not rational and I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. life is too damn short to be anything but happy and as we all learn the hard way, time waits for no one and life will always keep happening whether you're ready or not.

xoxoxo,
T