Sober

Heroin,

I never thought I’d be here. I’ve been sober for 426 days. Most days I can’t stand you which is how it has to be in order for me to remain sober. 426 days since I’ve tasted you & felt the rush of dopamine only you can give me. I’ve had many drugs in my lifetime and none have come close to you… the way you made me feel was a thrill I’ll seek forever. For the first time, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to be around you and stay sober. Could I see you without losing all self-control & diving in blindly 'til I’ve had all I can take? I can’t say yes without lying to myself. I hate that I miss you. You ruined a part of me that I loved so much. You didn’t deserve to be chosen by me over & over again, for so many years. I hurt myself by loving you and lying to myself that it was just for fun, not that serious, easy to quit. I’ve never done things according to the “norm” & withdrawing was no different in that way. a long 425 days after our last encounter, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. 

When I was hooked on you, I felt most like myself. Goofy, fun, loving, care-free, adventurous, ME. You woke me up in ways I’ve never been before & showed me parts of myself that I’d never seen. How do I get that version of me back without relapsing again? I relapsed so many times and I always regret it afterwards because I knew better. I swore that the highs weren't worth the lows! But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t say no. The rush you gave me erased all logic. The second you were coursing through my veins, everything else melted away.

If only I hadn’t had an epiphany and realized that my beloved heroin wasn’t my happy place after all. You were only lies, hurt & false hopes wrapped up in a shiny package. All it took was that one day for my fantasy world to dismantle and I crashed back to sobriety. It had to happen to set me free from your relentless grip. Honestly, I’m grateful for the wake up call. Keeping the secret that is you was more guilt than I could carry. Not because I was ashamed of being addicted to you, but because I was ashamed that I kept going back to you over and over and over again, knowing better. How could I explain that something that made me so happy also caused me so much grief? I was afraid of disappointing the people I love most and inadvertently letting them down by not respecting myself enough to require more from the person I chose to give myself to for years.

You’re heroin in human form.

The strongest addiction I’ve ever had.

Sincerely,

Sober.