Hurricane Zion

 Hurricane Zion 🌀

I was caught in the eye of the storm.

Torrential rains from hazel colored clouds hypnotized me with the way they moved in the violent wind. The sky looked dangerous but it was eerily still. As Zion was spiraling inward, I was swept up in his devastating path. In the blink of an eye, I was swallowed whole by the highest waves, in such a way that it felt like I was being hunted. Left drowning, lifeless and alone; I was angry that one moment in time could change the course of my life entirely. I instinctively found peace in the midst of the chaos for nineteen days before the darkest skies colored my world the most ominous color of grey. I wasn’t “lucky” to have survived this and I couldn’t see the “lesson” in this disaster either. I was desperate for a rainbow. I spent months trying to figure out how my peaceful home landed in the line of Zion’s destruction and I had to find a way to rebuild what was taken from me: Life, love, peace, hopes, dreams, time, trust and money.

Are life lessons a form of natural disasters? We are taught to plan and prepare for them to minimize damage when they do happen. I’ve survived many storms but nothing prepared me for this one. “Hurricanes leave invisible scars, too. The emotional and psychological damages from living through disaster run deep. Survivors are at increased risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety.”… this is true, even for disasters in human form. It turns out that Hurricane Zion is actually a “man” named Isaiah. He wears his mask so well that he could be deemed a “master manipulator” by any expert. A predator per se.  Remember growing up, Disney movies taught us that Prince Charming seems too good to be true and sweeps the Princess off her feet to go on and live happily ever after? Well, real life “too good to be true” is when you’re being “mirrored” & essentially falling in love with yourself because that is what is being projecting back to you. A façade. It is too good to be true. I wish I had ran at the first red flag but it was too late and I didn’t even know it yet.

Before him, I was on a solo journey for two years; choosing to not date or casually have sex, with the intention of learning myself deeper and growing as an individual. I went into this with him having pure intentions of not repeating past toxic traits like deep diving online to find out who he really is or asking petty details of his past. I wanted this to be different. I believed this was different. A good friend of mine asked me if she could look him up for me and I told her no (wrong move # 1) because I was committed to doing things differently this time! Two weeks into dating, he had a drastic mood change out of nowhere and left. I couldn’t ignore the gut feeling anymore and I gave my girlfriend the go ahead to find out who this guy really was. I was not prepared for what she found. A bomb was dropped in my lap: NOTHING was true that he told me!! His name was not Zion, he was legally married, has four children (he told me he only had two), homeless, addict, no car, no house, living on his mamas couch, rarely sees his kids & jail for fraud, forgery and theft. Unfuckingbelievable. My first thought was “Thank God I never let him meet my son”,  despite his consistent efforts to make that happen. I wanted to be done for good but when it rains, it pours.

A week later, I had a vivid dream & woke up thinking “that would be the worst situation. There’s no way. I don’t even know this man & we’re already done talking! No one gets pregnant the first time they have sex with someone.” Turns out, people do get pregnant the first time and I was pregnant. I was terrified. Sheer panic set in and I called my best friend hysterically crying. March 13th, 2024. Flooded with fears of reality and also, hope and joy for my dream coming true of having a baby again. But how could it happen like this?! WHY LIKE THIS?! It’s almost a year to the date of meeting that imposter and I still don’t understand why. What was the lesson in being pregnant for only a month and then being completely consumed by grief for the next 8 months?

“It was God’s plan”

“You aren’t given more than you can handle”

“You’re so strong”

“You’ll get through this”

SHUT UP! I LOST MY BABY.

That is more than I can handle. The day I lost my baby, he left the house while I was asleep to go party with co-workers. When I woke up all alone, I called him worried and he lied with an elaborate story, only to be caught and come clean later. I tried forgiveness, thinking it would make the grief easier on me so I pushed through. I was convincing myself that we could make this work… (wrong move # 2). A month later, he has another drastic change in behavior out of nowhere and left. Our birthday’s are 1 day apart and he did this just before our birthday’s in May. Two weeks later, like clockwork, he pops up on my phone again from another new number and wants to work it out again (wrong move # 3) but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Long, twisted story short, he was seeing someone else off and on throughout our entire relationship. I confirmed it from the woman herself. I sent myself A L L the receipts of his infidelities from his phone, talked to her myself to confirm details and then I went upstairs to wake his sorry ass up. We had just got home from a day trip to Prescott three hours earlier. He was caught and tried to lie his way out of it but when he realized he couldn’t, he just said “I don’t know why I did it. Something is wrong with me.” 🎻 sad story but not my problem to fix. The night I lost the baby & he went out, he tried to go stay with the other girl but didn’t til the next night- to which he argued wasn’t as bad. I had all the proof I needed and kicked him out for good.

My due date was November 18th, 2024. This loss is the greatest loss of my life to date and it is a secret that I have to keep from my son. One I had to silently grieve from while he watched me, not knowing what was wrong or how to help. “Depression” was true but only a piece of what was killing me slowly. I feel mom guilt knowing I wasn’t completely honest & I think about it every single day. I made this choice because he’s not old enough to process this pain & my grief isn’t his to carry. Everything I’ve done is to better his life. I’ve prayed endlessly to meet my baby in my dreams and it wasn’t happening. I didn’t know how to make this happen so when it happened by chance, I was in awe. Sometimes in healing, plant medicine can be a tool to providing both terrifying and enlightening journeys that lead to answers we’re searching for. I experienced both while I was completely awake. I was alone in my bed & suddenly I was outside of my body and watching myself. My mind was racing and then I got an overwhelming feeling over me. I knew it was my baby. It was a big ball of white energy with blue surrounding it, and around us felt like Winter, but warm. I asked this “orb” if it was my baby… I stood there, watching, and suddenly I got so warm inside my body. I could see the white energy morph into stardust, inside of a big dome like the galaxy, but condensed so that I could see it all from where I was standing. I can’t put the gravity of this feeling into words but I never want to forget it. This happened January 13th, 2024, a month and a half after my dreaded due date passed on the calendar. It was the message I needed and the answer I’d be praying for: we are still together🤍 I survived Hurricane Zion, after all.